All domestic dogs must abide by these rules.
1) When you have been caught ” in the act ” of teaching your people not to leave you alone for any period of time, (even if it is to pick up dog food), you must use this common technique to diffuse anger. Once you hear their footsteps or the key in the lock, quickly move away from the chewed up shoe, rug, or houseplant. You then tilt your head and give a look of confusion. It will be for certain that you will NOT be punished.
2) Once a ” mess ” as humans call it, has been created, do anything and everything to make it appear to be the felines fault. For example, put the felines toy in the middle of your destruction. This act is called ” framing ” and tends to work only sometimes, but is always worth a shot.
3) This one is exceptionally important. When you want to go for a walk, you must continually jump up and down, cry, whimper, bark, beg, scratch at the door and fetch your leash. You must make your person understand, for they will not know what you want unless you exaggerate each one of these actions.
4) When you are given a bone, do not share it with ANYONE, not even the person who gave it to you. You must guard it with your life, even if you have no intention of eating it. Everyone wants your bone. After all, it is the best bone in the world.
5) If your person is reading the newspaper or if the children are working on their homework, tear it up. It is your duty as a dog to demonstrate to people how to get their priorities straight. Why waste time reading or working on homework when you can be enjoying a car ride or a walk in the park?
6) When a person says the ” W ” word, give him/her a glimpse of how intelligent you are. Reveal the urgency to go for a W-A-L-K. If only our people knew we could spell!
7) About collection . . . collect as many balls, bones, sticks and toys as you can. If you have the largest collection on the block, it makes you Top Dog.
8) New studies reveal that humans are attracted to the smell of dog breath. Knowing this, take every opportunity to breathe in your persons face. This displays love and affection.
9) When your person has a guest over, you must always sit in between the two people. If you have two people, do not let them sleep next to each other or spend quality time alone . . . there isn’t any need for that when they could be playing ball or fetch!
10) Show signs of frustration when people make irrational demands. People tend to care about petty things, like busy streets, getting dirty, etc. People cannot comprehend the urgency to get to the park and sniff every blade of grass. They just simply don’t know how to have fun. They’d rather worry! So, when your person is holding you back from getting to the park to roll in the dirt, BARK! Let your person know you are displeased with this nonsense.
11) When your person instructs you to do silly tricks, honor the human. Let it be known that you very well know how to sit, give paw and fetch. It’s a good thing they don’t know what else we know!
12) When personal hygiene is in question, take immediate action! Locate guests and assume position. People will get the hint and they’ll love the fact that you’re so thorough.
13) When peeing on someone’s property or belongings, make sure to make eye contact with the owner. They like this, it shows respect.
14) It doesn’t matter what size you are, barking instills fear in people. Even if you’re a toy poodle in a fenced in yard and the person is fifty feet away, bark. They will surely run away with terror.
15) Last, but not least, don’t forget your most important job of all. When your person is feeling depressed or down, offer comfort, love and affection. Your person relies on you to lick his/her face, which makes all human problems instantly vanish!