When it comes to dates there are three main categories. First, the Cloud-Nine date which starts off on exactly the right foot which leads to much laughter, smiling, recounting of hilarious stories, and of course the realization of having a multitude of things in common with your cohort.
The second is the So-So date where small talk is easy but for the most part superficial and the enjoyment is mostly due to the tasty meal being eaten, or the talented singer on stage, or the heart-pounding movie playing out on the screen. Perhaps if the momentum is strong enough you might see this person once or twice more, yet inevitably you end up not speaking for a few days or a few weeks and a month later you delete them from your Facebook.
The third type of date, and by far the most common, is the Kill-Me-Now date. It hits you quickly, usually right at the beginning to make sure every part of the rest of it is excruciatingly and tediously long. Most often it is triggered by some faux-pas (perhaps by inviting your date to an AA meeting). Extremely long and heavy silences, permanent frowns, and constant time checking are tell-tale signs of this sort of date – aside from the nearly overwhelming desire to crawl into a deep, dark hole and die.
Now chances are you have been on a Kill-Me-Now date recently and prayed to heaven above to smite you where you stood to put an end to the horrible ordeal. However, there are less drastic solutions. Memorize every detail of the the following seven date exit strategies to extricate yourself from these dates and salvage the rest of your precious time.
Sorry, Gotta Run
This quick exit is a classic but you’ll have to twist it up if your date is clever enough to see through the charade. Essentially this involves getting a phone call, a text message, or an email stating that it is direly important for you to go meet with someone. The twist is that you don’t leave right that second, instead stay wherever you are for another few minutes but act distant and distracted as if you are debating staying or leaving. It also helps if you pretend to have missed some of whatever they were talking about. Then, when you feel the time is right, apologize but say that you really should go and rush off with a half-promise of making it up to them later. It helps if you throw in a pause in your step while retreating as if you’re deliberating for one last second.
How Embarrassing!
This one is easy enough: spill whatever drink or food you’re eating on yourself. Don’t be shy either, let loose with that spaghetti sauce or sangria and enjoy watching it ruin your outfit. The dry cleaning bill is a more than reasonable trade off when you consider the hours of frustration or boredom you might have otherwise experienced. (No, spilling it on them is not at all advised!)
Mr. Hyde (a.k.a. The Whitney Houston)
The Mr. Hyde requires you to transform into a douche, plain and simple. Check out other people, always walk two feet in front of your date, swear profusely, do anything to appear like a very unlovable being. Don’t go overboard like keying someone’s car, but don’t be subtle either. You’re going for irritation or disgust in their other’s expression. Often they’ll pull a Sorry, Gotta Run on you. (A tip for extremely beautiful women: add an involuntary facial tick to your performance – and make it decidedly unpleasant to see.)
At First Sight
This one can be dangerous but works so well when nailed dead on. Here’s how it flows: Make sure your date is not interested in anything long-term. Then wait until they say anything remotely amusing. When they do laugh and laugh hard, as if they had said the funniest thing you have ever heard. Don’t fall off your chair or anything that drastic but if you can get a bit of wild-eyed insanity going in your eyes then you’re on the right track. Immediately afterward you should stare into their eyes and after looking with muted longing for a few seconds propose. Oh yes, you guessed it, just drop the big question and watch them freak out. Act disappointed when they reject you (do not ask again!) and make your exit… if they haven’t bolted already.
Veritas
The final trick isn’t a trick at all. It requires you to tell the truth, flat out, and without deception. You come right out and say that you’re not really having fun and that you would rather be somewhere else. It’s the most honorable exit strategy and never backfires if delivered respectfully. It does have the potential of making you more desirable to the other party though as it isn’t something people normally do or say (Honesty? That’s insane.), but you’ll have to decide if that’s an advantage or not. Confidence is a must with this one.
So there you have it. Five fun and feisty formulae for fast flights from frightful folks. It comes in handy to have a few up your sleeve for when the occasion calls for it. It’s like trying to think of a great joke when put on the spot, you can never think of one. Don’t spend one more second of your short life on some date from hell. Scheme your way out of the situation and then hightail it out of there!
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