When dealing with a narcissist, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is trying to call them out or hold them accountable for their actions. It might feel natural to confront them, hoping they’ll see the error of their ways, but the truth is, it’s only going to backfire. If you’re looking for advice on how to deal with a narcissist, this should help guide you.
Narcissists thrive on control, manipulation, and drama. If you challenge them, they won’t respond with introspection or growth. Instead, they’ll double down with blame-shifting, gaslighting, verbal attacks, and emotional manipulation. They will do everything in their power to protect their self-image. And they’ll do so even if it means distorting reality or making you the villain. No matter the discussion or argument, they will always manipulate the conversation and scenario to make you look bad and prop them up.
Understanding the Narcissist’s Mindset
A narcissist operates under a simple set of rules:
- They are always the hero or the victim
This is the single most important part of understanding a narcissist. If they are the centre of attention, they are the hero of their story. No matter who they are talking to and making an appearance for, such as on social media. They always need to be the hero whether through truthful tales or outright fabrications. If they cause a problem and get called out, they will immediately shift into victim mode, blaming others for their actions. They cannot face the fact or reality that they may be the cause of a problem. It’s like they have a mental breakdown and have to blame others. If you’re reading this and want to apply something you discover to a narcissist you know, or an interaction you’ve had with someone you suspect to be a narcissist, this is the one factor to take into account. They are usually the hero, but if called out, will claim to be the victim. That’s it. - They see the world in black and white
There is no room for nuance in their thinking. There is no grey area, just black and white. That simplicity means they are either winning or losing at all times. If they perceive themselves to be “losing,” they will lash out, creating chaos to regain control. - They thrive on drama
Drama is their oxygen. When they feel victimized, even if it’s based on their own actions, they will escalate situations to draw attention back to themselves. And they don’t learn from their mistakes, so this cycle of creating drama will repeat endlessly. - They drain your emotional energy
Narcissists goal is not to resolve something. Rather, they want, perhaps even crave a reaction. They want your time, your emotions, your frustration. They will drive you crazy just to get you to use up to so much emotional energy that you give. Engaging them in this battle, whether in the form of getting you angry, sad, or gaslighting you to give in, is fuel to them. It services to reinforce their hero or victim mentality. There is no level-headed reasoning here. It’s all about draining your emotion until you give in.
How to Respond to a Narcissist Without Losing Yourself
Once you understand how their mind works and perhaps took a minute to apply the ideas above to a narcissist in your life, what do you do next? Given these patterns, your best defence is to detach yourself emotionally. Here’s how:
- Don’t engage in their drama
The more you react, the more power you give them. Never forget that they want you to get emotionally drained. They create drama, often through a combination of yelling, attacking you (all aspects from how you act, what you do for a living, things you’ve said in the past, and so on), using straw man arguments (where they purposely refute something you said with some tangentially related point but one that has no true bearing on the discussion at hand), deflecting the conversation to irrelevant points, and so on. Instead of arguing or defending yourself, pause. Let them say what they want. because they will believe whatever suits their narrative anyway. That’s the thing. They don’t care what you have to say, even if it’s true. They have one “agenda” in the argument and that is all they care about. - Don’t expect accountability
Narcissists will never take responsibility for their actions. The more you push them to, the more manipulative and aggressive they will become. Even if you change your wording from “that’s not what I said” to something like “I understand that is what you heard but that’s not what I said,” don’t expect them to be receptive. They don’t care what you say. They will blame anything and everything that is bad on you. They will not admit they did something wrong. They will even change the game so-to-speak and twist the reality of what they did to make you the bad person, even if you did something to be the “nice guy.” - Set firm boundaries
You don’t need their agreement to enforce your boundaries. Keep your words short and unemotional, and don’t let them bait you into long, circular arguments. This will only drain you further. - Remove yourself when necessary
If you can’t get through a conversation without being gaslit or manipulated, walk away. The most effective way to handle a narcissist is to make them irrelevant in your life. This can be difficult with family members but at the very least, keep your distance as best you can. - Stop trying to “fix” the relationship
Effective communication requires both people to be willing participants. A narcissist isn’t interested in your perspective. they only care about their own. Recognizing this can help you stop taking responsibility for their toxic behaviour.
The Most Powerful Response? Indifference.
The biggest blow to a narcissist’s ego isn’t fighting them. They love to fight and do so all the time. They argue until you submit to them and they can further feel satisfied that they are the hero. So, the best thing to do is not fight at all. When you stop reacting, stop explaining, and stop trying to get them to understand, they lose their grip on you.
At the end of the day, the narcissist’s storm belongs to them. You don’t have to step into it. Focus your energy on yourself, your boundaries, and your own well-being. That is what truly matters.
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