Is there anything more pretentious than a group of rich assholes having a discussions about the difficulties of being rich? Imagine the exact same scenario with a bunch of hoity-toity vampires and see how long you can last through Xan Cassavetes’ Kiss of the Damned.
When sultry vamp Djuna (Joséphine de La Baume, Rush, One Day) attempts to avoid late fees by returning her DVDs on time to the local video store, she catches the eye of Paolo (Milo Ventimiglia, Heroes, The Divide), who follows her home. She turns him into a child of the night and they have long, boring discussions that lead nowhere. Then they go to long, boring parties where nothing happens. Then Djuna’s wild-child younger sister Mina (Roxane Mesquida, Fat Girl, Rubber) shows up and annoys everyone.
I don’t know what happened to vampire movies, but when I was a kid, bloodsuckers were cool. They didn’t pontificate over a glass of “the beluga of politically-correct plasma,” or whine about the difficulties of perpetual nightlife. Or sparkle, for that matter.Kiss of the Damned is exactly the type of vampire movie What We Do In The Shadows pokes fun at. I would blame Anne Rice, but at least her books (and movies) didn’t take themselves so seriously. Cassavetes has her vamps living in beautiful houses and apartments, listening to opera, complaining about this and that. I’d rather watch vampires play baseball than witness the melodramatic interactions of these unlikeable, unrelatable fangers.
Rich Vampires Are The Worst
If you’re in the mood for sexy vamps with a little less pomposity, you’d do better getting your hands on Vampyres or Daughters of Darkness, two similar films that were made back in the heyday of sexploitation cinema. Not recommended.
Availability: Netflix US, Netflix Canada