We’ve all been there. Standing across from a lover, staring into their eyes, convinced that this once loving person has completely gone Darth Vader. In the heat of battle, it’s easy to lose sight of the caring individual you fell for. Especially when it feels like they’re attacking the very core of you. When you feel your integrity and your worth is being judged, it’s natural to lash out.
That being said, the next time you start exchanging those harsh words, and making those hasty decisions, pause for a second and try to remember this important fact: How things seem has more to do with how you feel than how things are.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but what you believe greatly influences what you perceive. If you’re having an argument with your lover, and you believe they are upset with you, it will trigger a defensive response within you that will color your thoughts and actions.
Now, the interesting part here is this: Whether or not your partner is actually upset with you is irrelevant. Your behaviour will change as long as you believe them to be upset. The “reality” of the situation has little to do with how you feel. Your emotional state is solely reliant upon your perception of the situation. To get around this, assume your lover has nothing against you. Assume they still love you, and are maybe just upset with the situation, not you. Even if they’re not. This is called “the benefit of the doubt.”
How’s this for another counter-intuitive idea? Your response in any given situation is dependant upon the beliefs that you hold. Your reaction to a circumstance results from the neural patterning you’ve established. In other words, the decisions you make during an argument aren’t made in real-time. Decisions are born over time from the choice you make, and the thoughts you think. If you’re habitually forgiving, you’ll react that way when you are offended. If you’re habitually judgemental, that behaviour will most likely be the one to surface in a dispute. Training yourself to routinely settle arguments amicably will teach your subconscious mind to react differently, which will go a long way towards finding a middle ground for you and your partner.
Here’s some encouraging news: Reconciliation leads to better feeling relationships. An argument resulting positively will strengthen your relationship. Jessica Salvatore was the lead researcher in the study “Recovering From Conflict in Romantic Relationships: A Developmental Perspective.” Salvatore claims “that recovering from conflict well predicts higher satisfaction and more favorable relationship perceptions. You perceive the relationship more positively,”
The key to settling any argument is to practice letting go. Take a step back and redefine what you’re seeing. The only reason anyone argues with you is because they care what you think. You wouldn’t bother explaining yourself to someone if it didn’t matter to you what they thought. Remember that you care about this person, and that they care about you. Ignore whatever comments and critiques that arise out of frustration, anger or the like. Most importantly, realize that any and all arguments, big or small, are simply opportunities for your relationship to grow and flourish.
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